I'll be here,

I'll always be here for you.
No matter what.
It's a promise I'm not willing to break.
At least, not now.
So you can lean on me.
You don't have to bottle it in.
I'll walk by your side the whole way.

That doesn't help the situation whatsoever.

Yelling at me for the same reasons over 10 times?
Yeah, that doesn't do shit.
Actually, no, it does do something.
It makes me want to rebel even more.
And now, I'm at the point where I simply don't want to do it.
I know the basics of what's good for me. I know that I need this.
But you yelling in my goddamn ear about how I need to hurry the fuck up and do it?
No. It doesn't do anything but make me want to do the opposite.
I know what I need and what I don't need to do.
I don't need you and your commands to go and prioritize my life for me.
I don't need your constant reminders of what I need to do. I already fucking know.
I prioritize my life according to the things that I believe are important to me.
Not you. Get that through your head already.
Seriously.
All I want you to do, is move on with your fucking life. I'm old enough.
How about yelling at me for things that actually do matter?
Or things that I have actually done wrong.
Really.
You're suffocating me.

I can't say anything.

You say this and that.
You say it as if you have the perfect life.
You say it as if everything is just fucking dandy.
And I can't say anything.
I can't judge you.
I don't know where you are.
I don't know what you do.
I don't know the life you live.
I can't judge the words you send to me.
But I'll wait.
I'll wait for the catch to your "perfect" life.

I'm grateful.

I'm grateful that you've given birth to me.
I'm grateful that you've raised me.
I'm grateful that you aren't abusive. That you are kind parents.
I'm grateful that you aren't addicted to anything.
I'm grateful that you want to give me a good influence.
I'm grateful that you don't try to involve yourself in my personal affairs, even though you want to know.
I'm grateful that you give me my space when I need it.
I'm grateful that you're there to tell me the wrongs and rights. Even if I don't want to hear it.
I'm grateful that you've never said anything horrible to me.
I'm grateful for the roof you've placed over my head, the food you've fed me, and the clothes you've let me worn.
I'm grateful that you registered me into school and given me everything I need in order to learn.
I'm grateful that you worry about my health, and care about my being.
I'm grateful that you've given me money for various occasions.
I'm grateful that you allow me to go out and play with my friends.
I'm grateful that you work hard day and night to provide money, food, and shelter for me.
I'm grateful that you're not one of those strict parents.
I'm grateful that you try your hardest for me.
I'm grateful that you put up with my rudeness, my obnoxiousness, my bitchiness, my mood swings, my shouting, my anger, everything.
I'm grateful that you take time out of your life to bring me to the doctor or somewhere.
I'm grateful that you constantly think of me and care for me.
I'm grateful that you want me to live a better life, and therefore work hard for me and my well being.
I'm grateful for all of the things you've done for me.
Thank you for being amazing parents.

You say you know me.

Because you gave birth to me. And you've raised me.

But that doesn't mean you know me.

You know shit about me.
You don't know anything.
Yeah, you know my little habits and shit.
But you don't know anything that runs through my mind.
You don't know my goals.
You don't know what I think late at night.
You don't know how my body works.
You say you know me because you've given birth to me and raised me?

Yes, you know a big part of me. But that doesn't mean you know me.
Fuck no. You know nothing about me.
Please quit acting like you did.
I'm grateful for all the things you've done. But by no means, do you know me.

I'm sorry

I should've been more considerate.
I'm sorry.
I was saying whatever I wanted to say without thinking about how you would feel.
I'm sorry.
I was careless again.
I'm sorry.

But it was the truth.
And it was my honest opinion.
That, I am not sorry for.

I didn't mean it.

I take it back. I'm sorry. Don't take it seriously.
I just said it out of instinct.
I wasn't really listening.
I'm sorry.
If I screw up this friendship with you because of that one incident.
I'm so fucking sorry.
It wasn't suppose to be like that.
It wasn't suppose to be this wierd.
I hope this can just be forgotten. I hope that this was just nothing.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I was too careless again.

I can't be selfish in this situation.

I've already been selfish too many times in a row.
I can't be selfish again.
Not during this situation. This is where I have to draw the line.
I already wasted so much money on back-to-school clothes and supplies.
I already wasted so much money on a new phone.
I already wasted so much money.
I can't do this anymore.
Not in this situation.
I can't be selfish anymore.
I need to put others before me.
They're ten times more important.
I'm sorry for being selfish, I'll stop now.
I'll put you before myself, you're more important. I'm sorry I became so selfish.

I have to step up my game.

I want to make it into the top 10%.
I need to get a scholarship.
I have to make good grades.
It matters now.
This is high school.
I can't slack off now.
I can't act like everything's carefree and do whatever the hell I want.
The pressure is on.
Things are starting. Grades are being taken.
And here I am, not understanding half the shit I've been given.
No, I can't do that. This is serious. This isn't playtime anymore.
I need to step up my game.

Makeup.

I look ten times uglier without makeup.

That's why I'm so scared to go to school without makeup.

I don't want to wear makeup.

I don't want to depend on makeup.

I don't want to be "unnatural" or "fake".

I just look uglier than I usually am without it.

Freshman 2010.

Finally, high school.

It's the place we thought was so far away, is already here. The place we've been waiting for when we first found out what it was. Finally, we're here.

This year;
We get to see who stays, and who goes. We get to see who break under pressure, and who survive through the heat. We get to see friendships break apart and wither away. We get to see new friendships being made and people growing closer to each other. We get to finally be what we've been waiting to be, "high schoolers".

This year will be fun. It will be amazing. It will be unforgettable. It will be memorable. It will be the best freshman year anyone could have. I'll make it that way, no matter what.

Here I come Freshman 2010. <3

I'm nervous about High School.

Not excited. Not happy. Not sad. Just nervous.

I'm nervous because tomorrow will be the first day of school.
First days mean first impressions.

And everyone remembers the first impression. I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that I'll make a bad first impression and I won't be able to change it. I'm afraid that I'll make a bad first impression and I can't make friends. I'm afraid I'll make a bad first impression.

But it's okay. Everything will work out in the end.

I've been irritated as fuck these past couple of days.

But,
There's no point in being angry.
There's no point in staying angry.
There's no point in crying over what has already been done.
At least you had a taste of it.
At least you saw a glimpse of it.
At least you felt it.
At least you heard it.
At least you smelled it's scent.
Even if it was small, you had a part of it. Others may not ever have it at all.
Move the fuck on.

Okay, I think I'm better now. 

No, just no.

Don't come into my room.

And invade my personal space.

And bash me with thousands of questions.

Or yell at me for stupid shit that doesn't even make sense.

Or tell me that I can't go somewhere. Or I can't do something. Or I'm not good enough.

Fuck no, not my room. Complain and yell at me somewhere else.

My room is my precious place I run to. Don't fucking come into my room, ever.

I'm 14.

Of course I'm naive.

I'm not fucking born with wisdom. 

I want to change my blogger's name.

It's the same name as my tumblr's.
For some reason, I want to change it.
I guess, sort of like, letting go of your past? A new beginning? A fresh start? Something along those lines.
But I don't even know what name I should change it to.

You deserved it.

You fucking deserved every bit of it.

You were the one that caused me to go through so much shit. It's time karma paid you back. You wonder why I suddenly started being like this. Why I don't want to do all this shit for you.

Because, it makes me feel dirty. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like a nobody that craves attention and affection.

And I don't want to feel that way. So I decided to live the life I wanted to live. You say it's not about me? That I should do this one favor for you? It's basically the same thing, just reworded. And also, one? Don't fucking joke around. If that was considered a favor, than I have already done you so many favors. It's time you did me a favor. Don't even try to trick me, I'm not that dumb.

Yeah, I said all that. Because I didn't want to do it. I was even trying to be nice that day. I gave you what you wanted, and I stayed true to myself. But no. You just had to ask for more. You always want more, and more. It's never enough for you. Honestly, I don't even know why I put up with your bullshit for this long. I told you I didn't want to do this. I told you so many fucking times. But you still continued. And I put up with it. Oh, how stupid I was.

Can you not understand the fucking hint after I told you so many times that I didn't want to do this? Are you serious? I really thought you were smarter than this. Or maybe you're just too focused on satisfying your selfish needs that you don't notice. And you get mad at me, and ignore me. Wow, you're really funny. What are you? Five? Silence won't work on me, bitch. I've been wanting you to get out of my life for a long time now. I thought that maybe we could've just stayed classmates or friends. But I guess not. I guess you and your selfish needs are just too damn important. 

If the day I stood up for myself, also means the day of our last conversation. Then, I don't regret it one bit.
Kay thanks bye. Have fun with your life.

Thank You.

Thank you for making me bitchier.

Seriously, thank you.

Because of that, I don't put up with certain bullshit. Because of that, I can actually stand up for myself. Because of that, I don't have to think, "I wish he stopped" or "Why can't I just say no?" Because of that, I can say no, I can do what I want. I can live my life, the way I want to.

So thank you.

I should've realized

Even if I'm the one there for you, even if I'm the one wanting to help you through all your shit. Even if we were close once. Even if all those memories happened.

You still choose her over me.
I don't mind, she's an amazing person. She's cute, she's nice. But after all the things that happened, the closeness we had, the memories, everything. I really thought you might've chose me. Silly me for thinking that. This happened so many times already. I guess I'm just really stupid.

In the end, I'm nothing but someone you know now. Aren't I?
Haha, how funny. You became the same for me, too.

Just someone I once knew really well. Just someone I once called "best friend". Just someone I lost.

I wonder what will happen to both of us in the future. We might become closer, we might become farther, we might be on the same ground as before. What happens, happens.

Invincible

I want to seem invincible by all my friends. Regardless of how well they know me, how long they've known me, or any of that shit. I just want to seem invincible.

Like nothing can ever break me down.

Like nothing phases me.

And writing all these posts about my feelings, certainly shows the opposite huh?
I really want to seem strong. I really do. Even if inside I'm not. I just want to seem like the girl that's always happy no matter what the fuck happens. Like every other person.

And it's really funny. I hate going with what everyone wants. I hate doing what everyone else does. But everyone wants to be "invincible" and "strong". Some can pull it off, and some break down in the process. It's all the same.

I wish my friends would think that I'm "invincible" or "a really happy person". I really do.

Tumblr;

I can't blog on Tumblr anymore. It just feels so damn unnatural.

It's okay though, I realized that I shouldn't delete it. Tumblr shows me people's inner thoughts, their secrets, the little things on their minds, the quotes people live by, the pictures that give people hope. And mine, too. I'verespected someone more because of the things they write on tumblr, the reasons for their actions, their true colors. So I wouldn't delete my tumblr. Not to mention, I get to look at all my past posts and laugh at how stupid I was back then.

When I pour my heart out on tumblr, I feel so vulnerable. I feel like I'm at my weakest state when I blog on tumblr. And that's the last thing I want others to think of me. I have too many people I know in real life there. I even went out of my way to make a private tumblr, but even then. People I knew still followed me, just the ones I trusted more. Even so, it still felt awkward. It felt like I was lying. I wanted certain posts to be seen by everyone, and certain posts seen by no one. Originally, tumblr was okay because the only people that actually read my posts were people I didn't even fucking know. But now, everyone's getting a tumblr. 

And honestly? I feel suffocated. I feel trapped. So, therefore I got a blogger. It's not as fancy as tumblr, but it'll suffice.